Sometimes it just hurts to write it all down.
The vault starts to open and honestly I'm fearful of what's lurking inside.
Everything that's been locked away tight and tidy begins to seep out...
and as it picks up momentum it overwhelms me...
like an avalanch.
A wise man once wrote that words are supposed to be cathartic and with great suffering
come great thoughts...
but that suffering can be pretty painful and often I don't know what I'm doing here...
writing it all down,
guts wide open.
Isn't there supposed to be some "mystery" to it all??
I'm not even entirely sure I know what I want to say...
or why I'm saying it.
I know that sometimes I wonder if I'm really just in love with an idea and reality is a place I haven't found a foothold to yet....
Ever since I was a little girl I felt there was a bigger place for me
and for some inexplicable reason I had to remember EVERY detail so I COULD document it someday.
I guess I'm still trying to figure out what it all means
and why it's come to me in this form.
Sometimes it feels like the world is spinning around me and there's no way to slow down the trajectory...
I pretend that I'm not afraid...
but I am.
I'm afraid of what it is. And also what it's not.
How big it is to me.
Sometimes it's too much for a tenderheart.
I just want to just stop feeling for a little while...
stop suffering...
stop thinking...
and go back to being mysterious.
Sometimes I'd like to believe that this really is just a dream
and that soon I'll wake up and see that my story has already been written...
that I can go back to being a vault with all of my treasures and heartache
locked neatly inside...
But that's not me...
and the realization is starting to set in that life is a series of chapters...
in order to move forward we have to honor the memories and write the story.
Accept the pain, make friends with the suffering and live without vaults.
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2 comments:
so I have been stuck on my "75" for the last few days... mainly because of what you just wrote in Scarlet Heart... I guess the question is "why?"... am I doing it to be self serving (and does that matter anyway)... will I be the only one who finds it amusing... and even much less insecure... is there really a purpose other than stroking myself... what is the message and to whom should that message be delivered? Feel your pain bruddah. Lookin for dem words dat be right for my kin, no? Doing a little pause for the purpose.
Life IS a series of chapters, yes. So for the good chapters, you can continue on in the next, and the bad chapters can be self-enclosed.
I do hope you'll never lose the "tenderheart" -- even if that sometimes means suffering. The upside of suffering is all of the positives, and how you can chart the course -- write the next chapters, the end chapters, and make them real.
You're on that road, Charmaine -- it's the right road for you, so listen to your interior monologues, okay? - Geoff
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